Bad Joke of the Day

[Sioux-cia]

Men are always whining about how we're suffocating them. Personally, I think if you can still hear them whining, you're not pressing down hard enough on the pillow.

[Shawn-O]

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand."Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

[Sioux-cia]

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

[mikejm]

^Ouch!!!

[Shawn-O]

"For Heaven's sake, Chris, why can't you talk to me once in a while?" Julie whined.

"What?" Chris replied.

"Look around!" Julie yelled, as she pointed around the room. "Look at all these books! You always have your head buried in a book! You don't even seem to know I'm alive!"

"I'm sorry, honey," Chris said.

"Sometimes I wish I were a book. Maybe then you'd at least look at me!" Julie exclaimed.

"Hmmmm," Chris mumbled, "that's not such a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting."

[Goon]

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

Ah, that's funny.

[morley]

Why are womens feet shorter than mens?

So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

[Siouxmama]

Hey Morley...

Why do bachelors like smart women?

Opposites attract.

[Big A HG]

Hey Morley...

Why do bachelors like smart women?

Opposites attract.

Hey, who said bachelors like smart women? I think smart women just cause more problems...like figuring out when you have a new golf club in the bag or not.

[Siouxmama]

Hey, who said bachelors like smart women? I think smart women just cause more problems...like figuring out when you have a new golf club in the bag or not.

You can have all the golf clubs you want, Big. But you'd need a smart woman to go along and keep score for you. Oh, wait, I guess you'd want someone that doesn't know how to keep score, right? You'd get a better score that way.

[Big A HG]

You can have all the golf clubs you want, Big. But you'd need a smart woman to go along and keep score for you. Oh, wait, I guess you'd want someone that doesn't know how to keep score, right? You'd get a better score that way.

Not to boast, but I'm a pretty decent golfer.

To be honest, I can't think of anything I'm bad at...besides swimming.

[DamStrait]

Not to boast, but I'm a pretty decent golfer.

To be honest, I can't think of anything I'm bad at...besides swimming.

...and humility.

[The Sicatoka]

What's the longest sentence in the English language?

I do.

[Sioux-cia]

Women are like phones:

They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.

But

Push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected

[Big A HG]

Wow you are so cool.

Yep, that's me.

[Goon]

What's the longest sentence in the English language?

I do.

I thought it was not anymore or I don't have to.

[Goon]

Women are like phones:

They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.

But

Push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected

That one is so true.

[Sioux-cia]

Advice for the day: If your experiencing a lot of stress and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children.

[jodcon]

Lady goes to the pet store to buy a talking parrot. Store owner tells her they only have one parrot left, but she might not want it because it used to live in a brothel and sometimes it uses offensive language. Lady thinks it over and decides to take it anyway, thinking it would forget its past over time.

She takes it home and once in the house the parrot looks around and says, "Squack... new house, new Madam." Lady laughs to herself and thinks 'well, if that's the worst it gets it won't be too bad'.

2 hours later her two daughters come home from high school and the parrot looks them over and says, "Squack...new house, new working girls." Lady cringes then tells the girls the parrots story and they get a good laugh out of it.

2 hours later her husband Tim comes home, the parrot sees him walk in and says, "Squack...hi Tim."

[Big A HG]

Minnesota Vikings

[Big A HG]

Minnesota Vikings

Must have been the joke to end all jokes

[redwing77]

Minnesota Vikings

Oh, those count?

Ok how's this one:

The Chicago Cubs are winners.

[Local Boy]

Did you guys hear Elk mate up to 12 times a day?

Dang, I joined Kiwanis.

[krangodance]

a guy stumbles piss drunk out of the bar at 2am.

almost as soon as he's outside, he sprints across the street, tackles a nun that was walking along the sidewalk, and proceeds to pummel her horribly.

once he feels he's done enough damage to the poor woman, he stands up over her and says, "not so tough now, are ya batman!".

[krangodance]

a guy is laying in bed with his wife at 3am when he hears a knock at their front door. annoyed, he goes to the door to see who in hell would be knocking at this hour.

when he opens the door, he finds an obviously intoxicated man swaying back and forth. the man asks, "hey friend, do you think you could give me a push?".

to this, the guy replies, "are you crazy! it's 3am, go away!".

when the guy gets back to bed his wife asks who was at the door. the man tells her the story and she says, "remember when our car broke down on that counrtry road in the middle of the night that one time? how much worse would our night have been had that nice man whose door you knocked on not helped us?".

to this the guy replies, "that was different, i wasn't drunk". his wife then says, "that doesn't matter, you should treat all people with a basic level of respect".

the guy sighs, then walks back to his door and opens it. he doesn't see the man anywhere so he yells, "hey! you still there?". in the distance he hears, "yes". the guy then yells, "do you still need a push?". in the distance he again hears "yes". the guy then yells, "well, where are you?". in the distance he hears, "over here on your swing".