Oliver's Woofing Theorem

[Millionaire]

I just ran across this again. It seemed like a long read, but I found myself laughing out loud and reading it end-to-end.

The Oliver Woofing Theorem FAQ

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This FAQ list was designed to answer reader's questions regarding the

ubiquitous and all-powerful Oliver's Woofing Theorem, as revealed to the

Usenet community by the great prophet Jim Oliver. Any questions should be

directed to the rec.sport newsgroup of your choice.

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List of Topics:

1: What is Oliver's Woofing Theorem?

2: What is Woofing?

3: What is WEAUXfing?

4: Are there various degrees of woofing?

5: Who are the Gods of Woofing?

6: How accurate is Oliver's Woofing Theorem?

7: Why does the theorem seem to fail at times?

8: Do unexpressed, private thoughts count?

9: Does E-mail or private conversations count?

10: Does woofing in the middle of a game count?

11: What is reverse woofing, or anti-woofing?

12: Does reverse woofing ever work?

13: Is it possible to retract a woof?

14: How long does a woof last?

15: Do the woofing Gods save up "bad karma", to apply at a later date?

16: What about ambiguous woofs?

17: As a sports fan, is there anything I can do to help my team win?

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1: What is Oliver's Woofing Theorem

Oliver's Woofing Theorem states, in a nutshell, that in any given athletic

competition (team, individual, amatuer, professional), the team/player who is

the most over-hyped/over-praised by his/her/its fans/supporters is doomed to

LOSE the competition. For example, if immediately preceding a game between the

Seattle Mariners and the Toronto Blue Jays, two Blue Jay's fans state that

"Toronto will kick ass", while only one Seattle fan makes a similar claim,

then Seattle is guaranteed a win by the ubiquitious and omnipresent Gods of

Woofing.

2. What is Woofing?

Woofing is any outlandish, outrageous, inflammatory, ridiculous, unsupported,

sophmoric, or otherwise brain-dead commentary or predictions regarding a

specific team, player, or athletic event. Comments such as "Tampa will kick

Dallas' ASS!!!", "Blazerz R00L!", "Notre Dame SUCKS", or "Sampras will CRUSH

Chang like a grape!" are all considered to be woofing. Woofing does not

include rational, well-thought-out, well-supported commentary. Thus, comments

such as "I think New York will beat Orlando, because of their outstanding

defense" or "I think Kansas City has a chance to go all the way, with Montana

on the team" are NOT considered woofing.

3. What is WEAUXfing?

WEAUXfing is a variant spelling of woofing, popular on rec.sport.

football.college.

4. Are there various degrees of woofing?

Yes--a comment such as "The Lakers are gonna CRUSH the Suns by 50 points,

cause the Suns are a dumb, no-defense team and Barkeley is a fat slob!!!" is a

more serious woof than a simple "Pittsburg will kick the Flyers' asses

tonight!". However, judging the degree of a woof is entirely the domain of the

omnipresent Gods of Woofing--it is not possible to quantize a woof, nor is it

possible to speculate just how the Gods of Woofing will weigh the various

comments of sports fans in deciding the outcome of a sporting event.

5. Who are the Gods of Woofing?

Nobody knows. The Gods have only revealed themselves through the Prophet, Jim

Oliver. It is known that they are all-knowing and all- powerful, and that they

and they alone decide the outcome of ALL sporting events, but little else is

known about the Gods of Woofing. All attempts to contact them through prayer,

ritual, or meditation have failed.

6. How accurate is Oliver's Woofing Theorem?

Oliver's woofing theorem is infallible. If one can keep track of all woofs

related to a specific sporting event, one can predict with 100% accuracy the

outcome of the event. Note, however, that only the outcome (who wins, who

loses) can be predicted by the Theorem. Other statistics, such as the score,

who "beat the spread", and individual statistics in team events are not

predicted by Oliver's woofing theorem.

7. Last week, I saw a ton of WOOFs from fans of team A, and very little

commentary from fans of Team B. Applying the theorem, one can predict victory

for Team B. Yet team A won. Did Oliver's woofing theorem fail?

No. You only saw a small sample of the woofing to occur. Oliver's Woofing

Theorem is not limited to Usenet--it is UNIVERSAL. Thus, every comment made in

every bar, athletic club, locker room, school, church, barracks, country club,

workplace, house, playground, or any other place where people gather to

discuss sports, is considered by the Gods of Woofing. In the example you give,

the explaination is obvious--there were a larger number of woofs for Team B in

other forums besides Usenet. Thus, Team B was more enthusiastically woofed,

and thus they lost.

8. I am a big fan of the Bills, and I believe that they can go all the way.

However, I keep my mouth shut. Do my mere thoughts count as a woof, and am I

the reason that the Bills have lost in three consecutive Super Bowls?

No--private thoughts do not apply. Only boasts which are written or spoken to

another person or group of people apply. Thus you are not responsible for the

Bill's failings. The reason the Bill's lose in the Super Bowl is twofold:

First, lots of Bills fans engage in large-scale woofing, and second, the Bills

suck. (Cheer up, Buffalo fans. My comment should aid them a little.)

9. How about private conversations, E-mail, and other non-public forms of

communication?

These ARE included in the Woofing Theorem. Basically, if you write it, speak

it, sign it, or type it, it will count.

10. Does woofing during the middle of a game count?

The outcome of a sporting event depends on all woofing up until game time. By

the time the game starts, the Gods of Woofing have already determined the

outcome, and any comments made during the game will have no effect on that

game. They will, however, have an effect on future games.

11. What is "reverse woofing" or "anti woofing"?

Reverse woofing is the process whereby a sports fan tries to fool the Gods of

Woofing by woofing for the OTHER TEAM, in hopes that this will cause the team

that he/she really supports to win.

12. Does reverse woofing ever work?

No. Reverse woofing will never work. First of all, the Gods of Woofing, being

All-Knowing, know which teams every sports fans likes, loves, hates, despises,

or doesn't care about. Second, reverse woofing is extremely offensive to the

Gods of Woofing for two reasons. One, it insults their intelligence when a

mere mortal presumes that he can fool them, and two, they are offended by such

deviousness. As a result, reverse woofing is the most serious type of woofing

possible, and a reverse-woofer DOOMS his/her team to an embarrassing loss.

13. Is it possible to retract a woof?

No. Once a woof is made, it is set in stone. The only way to reverse the

effects of a woof (or an anti-woof) is for a supporter of the opposing team to

make his/her own woof or anti-woof.

14. How long does a woof last?

Depends on the nature of the woof. A woof regarding a specific contest will

only affect the outcome of that contest. A woof of the nature "Edmonton can

kick Calgary's ASS any time, any where" will affect ALL Flames/Oilers games

from that point on (however, the effect will diminish exponentially with

time.) A woof of the nature "The Phillies RULE!!!" will affect the Phillies

for ALL of their games, but again, the effect will diminish exponentially with

time. Likewise, a generic flame against the opposition ("Cleveland SUCKS!")

will improve Cleveland's chances in future games, but again the effect will

diminish with time.

15. Will the woofing Gods "save up" bad karma, to apply at a later date?

This has been known to happen, especially to teams such as the Bills, Braves,

and Blazers, who do well in the regular season but falter in the playoffs.

Although little is known about this, the woofing Gods sometimes, in response

to a particularly vicious woof or anti-woof, allow a team to win enough to

make it to the playoffs, only to smite them there. Much research needs to be

done in this area.

16. What about ambiguous woofs?

Some woofs are inherently ambiguous. For example, if a fan states that "The

Giants are gonna CREAM the Cardinals", does he mean that the New York Giants

will defeat the Phoenix Cardinals, or that the San Fransisco Giants will do

likewise to St. Louis? In this case, the woofing gods will attempt to figure

out what the fan means by context (if the woof is in rec.sport.football.pro,

for example, it is assumed he means New York will defeat Phoenix.) In cases

where the intent cannot be determined, the woof will be ignored.

17. Is there anything that I, as a sports fan, can do to HELP my team?

Yes, there is. Keep your trap shut.

[Let'sGoHawks!]

Without reading, is this some sort of filibuster?

[ESPNInsider]

Where did you get that from, it's great!

[airmail]

Awesome.